01 July 2011

Just as I am

So much has been happening that I just haven't gotten on here to post. My intention is to post regularly, or at least semi-regularly. Sigh.
I just thought I'd take a few minutes (spurred on to a Five Minute Friday post by reading the blog of someone I knew in college) and check in.
I have been thinking, "I need to write a blog post." Then I think of how long it's been since the last one, and I decide there's too much to try to fill in the blanks. Reminds me of Princess Bride. "Let me splain. No. There is too much. Let me sum up..."
About 2 years ago, I met the man who will be my husband in 71 days. Back in November, on my birthday, he proposed. In March, I moved from my pretty little house in Vero Beach, FL to Greenville, SC to allow us to prepare for marriage. Now, the time is ticking away, and my wedding is coming faster and faster, like a hurricane gathering speed over open water.
I'm learning that now that it's down to the wire, planning my ACTUAL wedding, not assisting someone else, not planning a theoretical wedding that won't happen, that it's not what I thought it would be. (For those who may not know, I was a wedding planner/coordinator in days gone by.) Little is turning out as I had planned. Most of my decisions are overridden by factors outside my control. Many of the things that I would find meaningful simply won't happen. This has caused me to learn to focus on the marriage, instead of the wedding.
The wedding will be fine, I'm sure. It'll happen. Weddings usually do. They're rarely, in practice, identical to the theory, some adjustments get made last minute, some are made in planning, and some just seem to happen. I think I'll end up being surprised by how it turns out, because nothing is going as I planned for it to. I'm sure it will be lovely. It just won't be my doing, as I had hoped for the better part of my life that it would.
As I check things off the list, I've begun to prepare for the marriage. I'm thinking a lot about who I am and what I bring with me. I'm thinking a lot about what I desire to give, when I give myself to my husband--who I desire to be, so that he may have my best. As many years as I've had to prepare, I should be more. Better, somehow. My physical looks should be closer to how I always imagined looking for him. My life processes should be better organized. The one thing I feel is on track is my spiritual life. I'm just longing to be able to present him with, well, everything. Not just a piece.
The saving grace in these somewhat dismal thoughts about myself is the knowledge that he knows me as I am and loves me, exactly as I am. In our good-night prayer last night, he prayed that God would help me with my quest to be in better physical shape (a subject for another post). He said, "Father, she looks phenomenal. Of course she does. She looks like You." He doesn't want to marry me 15 pounds lighter, with flawless complexion, manicured nails, and clothes that don't make me look like I just fell out of a dryer. He wants to marry ME. Just as I am. Do you see why I want to give him my very best???
One of the rules of the Five Minute Friday post is that it not be edited. Just type for five minutes. REALLY?? Can people do that? Pretty sure I didn't completely follow the rules, but linked back to her, anyway.

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