17 January 2009

Change for me, baby.

Loving someone is wanting the very best for them. That has been a theory of mine for a very long time. Wanting the very best for them out of everything, including yourself. Becoming your very best so that they can have the very best of you. Seeing something that's less than the best and wanting to make it go away...

A thought that just occurred to me is this: If you want better for someone than he wants for himself, does that mean that you want him to change for you?

My Beast had some things that needed to be addressed in his life, and now that he's no longer mine, I wonder if addressing those things would have made him very different. If he was well, would he lose the things I loved about him? The things that made me crazy and kept me sane? Would he still be maddeningly, wonderfully impulsive? Would we still dance across the parking lot or skip through the zoo? Would he still offer sweet compliments to lift my mood? Would he lose the kind along with the unkind? I like to think that a healing within him would be the best for him, but would it? Maybe I should just stick with the things I know.

Maybe I wanted the very best for him, or maybe I just wanted the very best for me. I'm not really sure, anymore. What I do know is that I loved him. Still do. Now that the numb is starting to wear thin, I'm approaching the point where the emotions burst the dam, and it's terrifying. Loss is powerful, and undealt-with loss can be lethal. God help me.

Much love.

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