Here I am, looking back at another year of my life. I’ve been thinking about it, and I don’t think I’ve ever really considered what life would look like beyond 27—at least, not by number. I’ve thought of what I’d be or where I’d live or who I’d become, but I don’t think I’ve ever really assigned an age to things. Well, as of today, I’m past 27. The only real thought in my mind is, “What now?”
This last year has been interesting. It began on my Golden Birthday (turning 27 on the 27th). This was my first full year of fighting an illness that I didn’t know I had until 17 November 2006. That was when I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (a.k.a. PCOS). At the time of the diagnosis, I also had another little health scare which required me to have a minor surgical procedure right after Christmas. Fortunately, all was well when the results came back negative, and subsequent exams have confirmed that relief. It’s interesting learning that you “have” something. I spent a lot of time determining how things were going to go. The medication I was put on made me violently ill for about 10 weeks, but then my body acclimated to it. I could see how easy it would be to become, mentally if nothing else, a “sick” person. When you have a diagnosis hovering over you, it is a conscious choice to not let that be who you are, and it is a struggle, initially. I’ve learned though, that nothing or no one can dictate to you who or what you will be without your active participation. Nothing outside of me, other than God, will tell me who or what I am. So, today, I am well. I am healthy. I do what I need to do to protect my body and my health, but I will not let some ICD determine how I feel or how I think of myself. After that, I moved, my car broke down, I sprained my ankle badly, I lost my job, my refrigerator broke down, I encountered a bunch of bills that I wasn’t planning to have, etc. etc. etc. It was a very full year.
Twenty-seven has always been my favorite number, and I looked forward to it as a favorite age, as well. I don’t know that it was my favorite of the years in my life, to this point, but it was a very good year (despite the “negative” happenings…). I think I’ve grown more as a person in this year than perhaps any other year. My faith is deeper. My belief in myself is stronger. My walk with God is closer. My relationships with my parents are fuller. My friendships (some of them, anyway) are better. All around, I feel as though I know me more fully and I am becoming who God plans for me to be. I truly believe, for the first time in my life, that I am where I am supposed to be on my walk of faith.
So now, from this point of clarity, I am looking forward to the coming years. I have no idea what they hold. I’ve always had some idea of the future in my mind, but here I am looking at a blank page. It’s not that I don’t have any desires or goals or hopes for the future, but it’s that I don’t really have a plan. That could be very scary for a type-A personality like me. I don’t know where I’ll be when I turn 29. I don’t know what I’ll be doing, or with whom. I just don’t know. I’m not really concerned about it, though, because I know that God’s plans for my future are so much greater than mine could ever be. I’m living now in the solid belief that my future is bright, because my present is bright. My God will supply all my needs, according to His riches in glory. I’m not saying that because I THINK He will. I’m saying that because right now, in this moment, He is actively providing for me. I may not have some of the things I’d like to have, but He knows my heart. He knows my desires. I believe that He gave me those desires and that He will either fulfill them or He will replace them with the desires for the things He intends to provide.
Last January, I thought that by 2008 I would probably be in a relationship with my future husband, but that doesn’t look to be the case. As another year is gone, I find that I’m really not anxious about it. I’ve watched friends get upset about being single, or worry about being a spinster (or whatever you kids are calling it these days), but I have absolutely no desire to speed through my life. I’m not even “waiting” for Mr. Right to come along, now. I wrote a blog entry some months ago about being found, and I really do feel that way. I have NO desire to chase after a man because I THINK he might be right for me. I know that (whoever he is) God will guide him to me, and I know that he will pursue me, when the time is right. If a guy isn’t coming after me, then he’s not meant for me. God has a real man for me, if I am to have a relationship, and that man will want me, romance me, pursue me, and love me. He won't be able to resist me. But here’s the thing. God won’t bring a man into my life until both he and I are ready, so even if I am where I need to be, my husband may not be. Who am I to rush something like that? If God isn’t fulfilling the desires of my heart, it is because the time is not right. I would rather have the very best than the good. If I’m not to have a home and a family, then it is because those things are not the very best that He has for me. I want nothing less than His very best. I will not put my faith in anyone but God. I will not divide my heart from being wholly His. I am where I am today because THIS is where I’m supposed to be. I will not second-guess my Creator, Author, Protector, and Provider. I may look forward to those things, but I will not lust after them or long for them to the point that I am miserable in this moment.
Twenty-eight, huh? It’s not so bad. Maybe this year will be even better than last. Maybe I’ll move somewhere far away. Maybe I’ll meet exciting new friends. Maybe I’ll find new ways to serve those I love. Maybe my heart will change and I’ll see the will of God leading me another direction. Maybe. Regardless of what it brings, I am safe; I am well; I am whole. My God will continue to supply all my needs…